It's probably stating the blatantly obvious...but it has been a terribly long time since I updated.  This is because tiring as it is for you to read about the frivolous superficiality that is my life it is perhaps even more tiring for me to write it.  I would love to be able to say something insightful and timely but I definitely fail in that department.  Today was the last day of school before the holidays and for some reason I'm back to being a hermit... blame it on tiredness or the whole ridiculous exercise of Christmas but I long for solitude.  Thus, I spent my Friday evening alone with my sewing machine.  Although my mother just came home to me modelling my new strapless dress and said that it was stunning.  So at least my night was productive.  I love when people think I am creative although I would like to impress upon you all that my creativity is merely the lengths I am forced to go to as a result of extreme poverty (which is not true I just cannot bear to spend money that I feel I haven't earned).  Like this evenings pleated corseted, strapless gown (soon to be shortened to mere dress) made of patio furniture covering material which was on sale for 99 cents a metre thus bringing the total value of my dress to $5.50 including the zipper.  And once I shorten it from floor-length to knee length I'll probably make someone a beach tote of some sort from the excess.  The other day I had a lovely and inspiring conversation with Bob.  Which isn't exactly rare because he is always inspiring and I hope that if we continue to talk he will cease to think of me as such a bimbo.  But alas, we were considering consumerism...actually he was considering and I was nodding.  The main idea that really hit me was how much we are unwilling to give up ... even if it is the right thing and means saving and preserving the good of the world and basic human dignity.  I have decided...please do not let this be in vain... to never ever again buy any clothes first hand, to never leave a room with the lights on, in fact, to sit in the dark as much as possible, to be less frivolous in the things I buy, to always buy coffee for homeless people, to take shorter showers, and to put on a sweater instead of turning up the heat.  I hope that by doing this I will be able to walk by the salvation army bell-ringers without having to look away while I toss in my change and to feel as though I have done more than just dropped coins their way.  I want to sacrifice and to feel less guilty for having what others do not.  I want to give up my time and talent and riches for a chance to feel at peace with what I have.  I often wonder at the futility of me being born into a life where I have so much comfort and opportunity if I am not smart or ambitious or motivated enough to make use of them.  The perennial question constantly arises and will not go away...."Why me and not them?"  I am surrounded by luxury that I do not deserve.  I am incompetant, lazy and insensitive.  I have no personal skills and few friends.  I am shallow and self-centered.  I worry more about my weight than the fact that my new clothes were created in Bangladesh by starving people paid 9 cents an hour.  Sometimes I wish I could run away from it all...leave behind all priviledge in a futile attempt to rid myself of the quilt that plagues me. Do you ever feel this way?